sparklesisemo

Where did this person go?

Okay, let's try that then.

That's not really why I'm writing, is it?
I feel like this is my refuge, my safe place to understand my thoughts, organizing the impossible array of doubts I have in my head.

What's the point of going to school?
I'm having a really difficult time understanding where my stress is coming from.

"It's either one of two things. It could be an enlarged lymph node...but it's more likely that it's a [insert medical terminology I can't understand] benign tumor."

Okay. I can't even think about those words without breaking down. Okay, benign, that's okay, noncancerous, easily removed. I mean, it could be something worse (unlikely) but does it even matter if it's something worse? Would thinking about it that way make it any less crappy?

So maybe this is really why I'm so shook up.

Is this a normal reaction? I just need someone to tell me that thinking about this all the time, reevaluating everything I do that I don't enjoy, wondering if my family's okay, is really all that normal.

It's benign, noncancerous, it might not even be a tumor.

But I just can't stop crying and I can't understand why. Can I really blame my behavior on this prognosis?

I don't want to tell people about what's happening because it's really not seen as a big deal is it? I've never even heard anyone talking about having fibroadenoma, so that means it's not a big deal, it's not CANCER.


I just need someone to tell me I'm normal because at this point I feel just as out of place as the alien inside of my body.

i can safely say that he will always be the hardest person to let go of.

it's hard to imagine that someone can understand how much you love them.

i don't think he'll ever really understand how much he means to me.
i tell him everyday, but it will never be enough.

it's funny what people will do for the one they like.

imagine what they do for the one they love.

it's so hard being away from you.

i'm having trouble keeping my image in check. i'm trying so hard to not be needy.

this is stupid. i just want to go to bed.

http://rudimentariness.blogspot.com/


peace out

i just ripped out all the written pages i had in my journal.

i was admiring all the blank pages when i found something i had forgotten about.
it was nearly illegible and was written upside down near the back.

"Why did you trick me into thinking that it was ok?
When you're so upset you can barely breathe isn't that usually the time when you're supposed to be the most creative?
I don't have anything left."

everything came flooding back.

i remember writing that in desperation
knowing that no matter what i wrote, it wouldn't make the slightest difference.


i could always write to make you love me before
because there was nothing definite to make me believe you didn't love me.

i could hang off of every kind word.

i believe you absolutely can convince yourself of anything if you have at least one strand of hope in you.
you can have so much faith in something you honestly will overlook the falicies and the doubts.

you can build yourself around an idea or a person
you can tell yourself so many times that it's real
and none of that will matter

because no matter how much hope you have
no matter how much proof you've gathered
no matter how deep your beliefs are
that doesn't make it real.

i wanted so much for you to love me
i was so sure
i don't even remember it getting to the point where i was so deeply in denial that all common sense was lost
but it got there.

and that's what killed me.



you didn't love me.

i couldn't even let that cross my mind before
i knew
i knew that no matter what the world was telling me,
you loved me
i knew that any doubts were a waste of time because
you loved me
i knew that there was no one else that mattered because
you loved me

you were supporting me
you were keeping me going
you were the reason i wanted to make the world better
so that you could live in a place that was as beautiful as you were

and "you"
were a lie.
you were an idea.

and there was nothing i could do about it.

my futile attempt at releasing the torment i felt will be a constant reminder;

in its letters it's crooked, exasperated, and wreckless
but it tells a simple truth:
sometimes,
it doesn't matter how long you've been waiting,
how much you do for him,
or how much you love him,
he just doesn't love you back.

so i have a typewriter
and i'm so much more honest writing with it than i was on here
which makes no sense because i was really honest on here anyway haha.
a typewriter just doesn't have spell check.

p.s. i'm sorry.  i tried to write something before but it was terrible and didn't make any sense.  i have no idea why but i feel like i've lost my ability to write.  i know i have it in me, i just feel like i don't have reason to.  i need something not to just inspire me but to make me want to write.  it doesn't need to be something good or bad, just something that makes me feel like expressing however it makes me feel.

i'm so frustrated.
i've been trying and trying but i just get too tired and i lose focus so quickly. 
i want to say something insightful so badly.
but nothing has been coming. 

actually, i hate to think it but, i think i have nothing more to say.
of course i have things to say but i have nothing worth saying.


i need a spark.
be my spark.

i am coasting.
i know i've already established this but i know that i am simply coasting through my senior year.
i don't feel as if i'm truly accomplishing anything.

all that i want to do in this world,
everything i want to change isn't changing
because i am too busy.

i have too many things i enjoy doing, i'm not focusing enough time on continuing trying to figure out who i am.
that's why i haven't written in so long.
i used to have time to write
i still do but i just don't have the energy
i don't have the will or rather the inspiration anymore.

i feel like this past year because i haven't had time to write
time to think



i want to write letters to every person in the world.
i want to tell them they are loved
they have someone in this world who cares about them
they have someone out of this world who died for them.

i want so much.

i want love.
people need to feel it.
why do we hate so much?
i have never had anything happen to me
ever
so why do things like me being sad and me complaing ever happen?
i have no right to complain.





i'm too tired
i'm always too tired





that didn't work
i still can't write.

that's all i gotta say about that